Need to Remember

I was reading some blog and I came across this: YOU are stronger than you think. Don’t let your flaws define you. You are amazing.

This is something that I really need to remember.

I have always let my flaws define who I am. I think it is because others prey on my flaws and highlight them. My parental unit was always doing doing this. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her.

As a middle-age adult, I have realized that she was extremely mentally ill but at the time but the barbs she always threw at me stayed for a lifetime.

As I got older, I became I was always aware of my flaws and my issues and couldn’t appreciate anything good anyone had to say about me. It was like I created this negative bubble around me. It was an aura that surrounded me.

To be honest, I started to like the aura as people stayed the fuck away from me. I have always been a big introvert and this played right into it. People left me alone. I was able to do what I wanted in my life without any oversight. In some ways it was a blessing as I was able to develop myself with having the spotlight on myself.

But it wasn’t all bread and roses as I became hyper-sensitive to anything that negative that was said to me. My flawed thought process was fuck it, they don’t like me anyhow, so fuck them. I am a fuck-up and always will be so be it. It is what it is. But on the opposite site, my self-worth and self-esteem were shot to shit.

I was letting my flaws define who I was.

I was being more defensive instead of being offensive in my life. I was willing to let others define my narrative instead of me defining it.

Here I am just turned 53 and I am realizing that I am amazing and I have a lot to offer and my flaws do not define me.

To be honest, I do keep the defensive shield at max. The reason for that is to keep motherfuckers who are not serious about knowing my true self away. Those who get through to the Death Star are those who I want to be involved with and not a bunch of hangers-on.

A couple of years ago, I was transferred to a new school. I was scared shitless. I am not the most social person. At the my old school, I was at I was considered the glue between the different agencies ( I taught at school inside of Juvy-where you had the school part and the probation part and I was able to navigate both worlds that had different interests.) much to my surprise.

The first year I was at my new digs, I pretty much stayed to myself. Then the pandemic hit and we were at home. When we went back in August, I tried to make the conscious choice of fuck it, this is me and get out and see what sticks.

Holy shit, it has been amazing. To steal a line from Sally Field (and I have modified it) when she won her second Oscar- “You like me” and they like me for who I am, warts and all. They like the true me and not some version that I present. They like the real me.

Fuck, the Death Star that I created might be blown up.

It is pretty amazing though.