Talks With My Kids

So, my son came over and we were talking. He said something to me which warmed my heart. He said “As much as you think that you are fucked up, you pretty much emotionally stable.”

It was an interesting statement because I am always thinking that I am the one that is fucked up and thinking that other people have it together. It something that has always messed me up. It is part of my self-esteem issues.

What is cool about having kids in their 20’s who are living on their own is that when we talk it is a whole different level and not just parent to kiddo but adult to adult.

You know when I went to see my daughter in August it was such a cool experience, we talked on such a deep level. The one thing she said was that “you are a cool dad”.

I have always had self-esteem issues for most of my life. I guess it comes from a mother who besides having issues with alcohol and drugs, she was also mentally ill. I guess bi-polar is the word they use now days. Nothing I ever did satisfied her. It was always like here is the finish line but she kept pushing farther and farther way. Most of the time I felt like shit with her.

But here is the weird deal, she liked my money. She felt that I had a moral obligation to support her even after I had joined the Navy and wasn’t living with her. She wanted my money. She would write to whatever command I was with and say that I “owed” her money.

It is theme in my relationships. People shoot my self-esteem to shit but want my money. A-mazing.

I feel as if I am being used but maybe I am allowing myself to be used because of some deep fucking fear of rejection which I carry from being born and when people show me a little affection I go in with my blinders on and I ended up getting burned.

But my kids have a different view. They think that people are afraid of me because I am real and I acknowledge my shit.

I am wondering if I scare 90% of the people out there as I try to be real and try to confront my feelings and whatever mental health issues I have. I don’t do it in a public way but in a private way.

That scares the living shit out of folks. I know it did at a workplace that I was at for 20+ years. It was one of the reasons that I left, it was very toxic environment for me at the end. It wasn’t healthy for the person who I am. I know that I scared a lot of people there by just being me.

I learned that the people who made fun of my insecurities and preyed on them were some of the most insecure people I knew. They were a lot better a “fronting” than I was.

I have a bunch of sayings and stuff that I live by. One is the reason God put our eyes where the are is so we can always look forward. Yes, I know that I (and I have written this and will keep writing this) have enough shit behind me to fertilize both Mojave and Sinai Deserts but I keep it hidden but able to revisit it when necessary.

The revisiting is to make sure that I am breaking the patterns that I may have developed over time or revert back to bad behaviors.

My kids are some of the greatest people I am getting to know. They know me better than I know myself. As adults they are people I want to know and be with rather than a parent to child relationship.

I really am thankful for my two kids and the deep talks that we are able to have these days.

I don’t know where I would be without them.

Our talks are a true blessing.