Working Through My Severe Mental Distress

What helped you through a period of severe mental/emotional distress, and was not a drug, a therapist, or an act of consumption?

I saw this question on Twitter posted. This is something I have been meaning to write about as in my last post I said that I was coming back from being at the edge of my emotional breaking point. My doctor gave me the depression test. I guess if you score 20, you are suicidal. My happy (or sad) ass was at 18.5. Not good.

It had been building for a while. I was running away from recognizing it. I felt like shit coming into work everyday and the stress was at an all-time high. People around me so were supposed to be close to me were pushing their own agendas on how or what I should be. I felt like I was I was really losing who I was.

By February, I was a fucking Neapolitan mess. Stress had taken over my body and I was having headaches. About five years ago, I was diagnosed with vertigo caused by chronic stress. I have read up on it and the jury is out on it, but that was what my doctor said.

Plus my anxiety was off the fucking charts. Stress plus anxiety is not a good thing.

So how did I bring myself from the brink (I am not saying that I am completely off the edge but I did take the depression test about a month ago and I am now at 13.5-which is much better, also my stress and anxiety is a lot better)

Besides seeing a therapist (they can only do so much) and taking some more meds, I decided to focus on me and what I want.

I started to praying a lot. I am more spirit and faith based but I started having a lot of talks with my higher power. I would calm down after saying my homemade prayers. I was always thankful and asked for forgiveness but I could feel myself become for mellow after these 10 or 20 second talks with my higher power.

I reached out to my kids and was honest with them about what their dad was going through. We became closer and really started to cherish each other.

I went it to work one day and met with my principal and told her that as much as I loved my school and the people I worked, that I would be looking for another teaching job in the district. No mas for. I told her that I was “Too Old, Too Tired and Too Fat” for my current position (I teach a Special Day Class that focuses on the Emotionally Disturbed and in my district I am the longest tenured middle-school teacher in this program) and that I will be starting to look for other positions in the district for the 24–25 school year.

It was something that I really needed to do. I had a certain student and his parent that I couldn’t deal with anymore. I knew what I had signed up for, but this was totally off the hook. I wasn’t teaching, I was being a fucking warden and I was watching my other students shut down. I was becoming something that I didn’t like. I was being called “Bitch” all the time by the kid and blamed for all of this kids problems by his parental unit who threatened “to put me to sleep permanently” more than once.

My paras (teaching assistants) weren’t showing up and I was feeling like it was me against the world. It was. I am one of the track coaches at my school and I wasn’t even doing that because I was dealing with the paperwork and other stuff from this kid after school. A joy that was taken away from me.

By telling my principal I was gone in June lifted a huge rock on my shoulders. I started to take an ejection seat view and started to enjoy things with my other students. It was nice. Then, the parental unit pulled the kid from the school and things got better. The district admin for program had decided to change my program and make my school for those students who internalize their problems. She said that she hoped that I would stay because I was good with those types of students. So, I was able to name my terms and I decided to stay.

Another thing I that kept me going was that I found a couple of different little communities on Twitter that are cool. I found people on there that I like and who were like me. I felt wanted there. I was able to express myself on different topics even if no one read it. I was expressing myself. I wasn’t caring about the likes or anything. It was actually freeing. To be able express myself and not caring what people thought. It was like if you want to like it, fine, if not I don’t really care.

Also, I started to do a lot of things I like to do and really didn’t really care what others think. I have heard way too much about how that is not classy or sophisticated or whatever- my attitude is Fuck You. I am not doing anything criminal or hurting other people. I am too old to deal with your shitty hang ups. Not saying that I am right or anything but fuck it is something I have heard so much of that crap in my life that it is old. It is tiring and it is funny that people that say shit like that are actually jealous because they want to do things but something inside them holds them back. They don’t want to appear to have a lack of class or be unsophisticated.

Life is about living and going out there and enjoying things. Our time on this planet is short and we need to enjoy every second of it. People forgot that sophisticated means worldly.

Finally (and this is something I am still working on), is getting rid of toxic people in my life. I know that I am a piece of work and can be an asshole a lot of the time. I am not for everyone but I know that always trying to work on my faults.

Too many people always want to make me better or this or that. I am sorry I am too old for that shit. The interesting fact is that those who are trying to “make me better” are a mess but don’t want to admit it. I know I am a fucking mess but I admit to it. I don’t have anything together and as the great John Madden said “God, put a little bit of not done yet in all of us” It is something that I truly believe in.